It's not JUST about running..... Thank god.

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from someone asking to speak with me for an article… for the CHICAGO TRIBUNE! Once my brain got over the initial shock and I began to process this idea, I of course emailed back and said SURE!

Then I became paralyzed with fear

Then I started practicing what I would say (I had no idea what I would say)

Then I started to get sick with nerves

Then I took a deep breath and said, “meh, I’ll just give it a shot and try not to make a total ass of myself”

When I finally got on the phone with her, she immediately freaked me out more when it became obvious that the article wasn’t necessarily about running. It was more about failing…. Gracefully. She said that she read the Runner’s World article I was in and really liked my attitude.  http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/dead-freakin-last-and-proud-of-it

Oh crap. I can talk about running until my head falls off, but nonrunning stuff? Uh oh. It turned out she was delightful to talk to and it wasn’t worthy of my millions of panic attacks. And it helped me remember that it’s not all about running all the time.

Running is something I LOVE! It’s my meditation, a struggle to overcome, a routine, it’s my friend, my enemy, and it’s brought some absolutely wonderful people into my life. But it’s not always about running. Working through my current health issues has made it clear as a bell that there’s more to me and my life than running. Thank god.

I think there is a fear in every obsessive compulsive runner’s mind of, “what would happen if I couldn’t run?” I’ve entertained the topic briefly; however, recently I had to look that topic directly in the face. And it’s been good and bad.  Good because I’ve done projects I never had time to do! We finally put flooring in that room that we ripped up the carpet in 4-5 years ago! I sorted through my clothing and books! I started working on meditation to deal with my horrible stress management skills. I found out I LOVE walking. And I’ve found that I can be completely satisfied with a 4 mile run even if it is at a 15 minute mile pace. I think I got so blinded by ultras and MORE MILES ALL THE TIME that I forgot how lovely a 4 mile run can feel. It’s been bad because I hate not knowing when I’ll be better. I can’t stand the fact that I’m not doing a fall race because Fall races are straight up magic. I feel completely disconnected from the running community that I love so much. Because, well I can’t really run much.

I've been forced to find out what I do when I’m not running all the time. Frankly, it turns out I sit on the couch a LOT. I’m working on that. Running has taught me a million life lessons, but I’m so thankful to realize that I don’t have to be running 30+ miles a week to appreciate them. This article in the Tribune helped remind me that there is more to me than running and it’s not ALL about running all the time. I guess this opportunity came at just the right time.

Read it here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0901-losing-gracefully-20150825-story.html

It's always something....

For three weeks I’ve done nothing but walking. My doctor had begrudgingly given me permission to go to an eight hour race I had signed up for as long as I was smart about it. I realized that was not a possibility (you know, being smart) and even decided not to go to THAT! He was thrilled by my grown up decision. And as the mandatory three weeks of only walking came to a close and I started to get nervous.

Is three weeks enough?

How do I know if it isn’t working?

How do I try to be a sensible runner? (turns out that people that run ultras don’t tend to have a good gauge on sensible)

Will I remember how to run?

I came up with a game plan or at least something that resembled a game plan. A few years ago I started running by the Maffetone rules. Don’t know about it? Check out this link:

http://philmaffetone.com/180-formula/

It’s what I used while training for my first 50k. It was one of the most excruciating (you will NEVER run up a hill) things I’ve been through. But, I felt GOOD after my runs, I saw marked improvement, and I ran with more comfort and confidence. That was a couple of years ago. I went back and took the test again to figure my Maffetone heartrate. With my new age and shiny new injury history, I was horrified at my low low low low low did I mention low target heartrate. Forget hills, will I be able to run at all on my runs while trying to keep my heartrate THIS low?

Reality check… I have to be SMART when I start running again. If a heartrate alarm (that I actually listen to) keeps me in check, then I need to do it! ARGH! LOGIC! I really don’t want to screw up the progress I’ve made because my dumb brain wants to go back to the dumb habits of ignoring my body’s signs (or red alerts as the case was). So, low heartrate it is!

And today, with my heartrate alarm set, I set out with my pup for three miles expecting to do a little running and a lot of walking. And the weirdest thing happened….

The running that I did was super fun and duh, of course I didn’t forget how to run. What kind of dork has that thought? Oops. But the weird thing is…

I immediately started to mourn the loss of my morning walks.

 

What? Who would have expected that? Tell a runner not to run and they will make up a thousand reasons why it’s ok that they run. And typically they will ignore doctor’s orders and run anyway. I did when my doc said no running for 3 weeks. But, when I committed to walking, I realized, I really like it! I’ve been walking with one of my dogs in the wee hours of the morning. And I’ve been stargazing and sunrise walking and really enjoying the stillness of the predawn hours. When I ran today it was so different! I couldn’t just crane my neck back to look at the stars and all of the sudden I remembered I need to be wearing a headlamp if I’m moving faster and everything seemed so different!

Where does that leave me? Well, I’d say that I suppose I should try to find a way to enjoy both things (I mean aside from the fact that I’ll still be walking a TON during my runs).

Did the run go ok? I think so, but I’ll have to try to pay attention to how I feel in the next few days to get a real handle on it. Baby steps….. Slow baby steps…. At a low heartrate.

Want Answers? Be careful what you wish for....

Has it really been that long?

I started running in 2007 and once I started, I never stopped. I think that the longest I took off from running was after my first marathon when my coach FORCED me to take two weeks off to recover.

And here we are….

I finally went to a doctor that listened to me and I finally got some answers. Turns out all the symptoms I have been dealing with are a thing (validation!). I’m hypothyroid, anemic, and I’m low on LOADS of nutrients. So we’re working on putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. And in the meantime I was given a few rules (he would probably want me to call them guidelines)

1.       No weightlifting for an as yet to be determined amount of time.

2.       No gluten 

3.       Only one cup of high quality coffee a day (ugh, I really love coffee).

4.       No running for three weeks.

What? No what for three weeks? But but but but…. But he’s right. Give my body a bit of time to actually heal and let the stuff we are doing work instead of bullying through it some more.

The next question, of course, was… can I walk? He said yes. And then the next question was…. But like how LONG can I walk because I’m a person that runs for ten hours at a time for fun. Of course, he laughed, shook his head, and said…. An hour.

Welp, there you go. I was entering unknown territory. Because what the F do I do when I don’t run all the time? And then I had a friend put it into perspective

“OH this is great because you can take some time off without feeling guilty. You won’t have to worry about stupid crap like… oh I should be running. Or oh the schedule says I have to do this so I better get out there even though I feel like crap and it’s 110 degrees with the heat index”.

Is it that attitude that got me into this mess? I don’t know. But I’m making it a goal to make the best of this vacation from running. Last weekend, instead of a long run, I went for a walk with a friend and her four month old baby! My husband and I ordered the flooring for that room we ripped the carpet out of at least three years ago. My kitchen counter is clean like more than once every two weeks! I’m reading a book! And I don’t feel guilty when I’m tired at the end of the day and all I want to do is lay on the couch with my dogs. I just do it.

Of course I’m already plotting my comeback. But my comeback involves things like listening to what my body is actually saying. I guess I’ll see how this all plays out, but for right now, Persistent Runner has become Persistent Rester/Walker/Relaxer.

That Half Marathon Was My Slowest EVER.... and it felt like a colossal win

If you’ve read my blog, you’ve seen that I have a well-documented love affair with a race series called Dances with Dirt. I’ve done the 50K distance in Indiana and Michigan and this year I booked a hotel for the Wisconsin race not knowing what distance I might be up for.

As the race got closer and my body and mind felt worse and worse I doubted that I was capable of any race, any distance. Then…. A little stroke of genius. I emailed a friend that had moved to Wisconsin and said, “hey, I know that neither of us is trained for this, but we both know we can do it, want to hike a half marathon with me? I hear the course is AMAZING!” I expected a slew of back and forth email to follow. I have a habit of talking people into races and I was ready for a fight. Instead, I got an email back saying, “ok, sounds good, I’ll sign up tonight!” Whoa. I was floored …and committed… and terrified.

Why terrified? Well, I’ve just been feeling awful and I still have no idea what’s wrong with me. I’ve been through an extremely frustrating and heartbreaking “test and retest and find nothing and let me just throw some pills at you why wouldn’t you want to just take pills even though we don’t really know what’s wrong with you” cycle with a doctor, and obviously nothing came out of it except for a lot of tears on my part… I digress….

Maybe I would lock up, maybe I would pass out, maybe I would be unbearable sore, maybe any progress I had made on feeling better would be gone….

And the next thing I knew I was at the starting line. And we were off. Thankfully for me the race gained 800 feet of elevation in the first 2 miles. If that’s not a great way to start things off slowly I don’t know what is! We settled into a nice power hike and reiterated that neither of us was up for “beast mode” and we would take the opportunity to catch up on all the chatter that two girlfriends that haven’t talked in months could pass endless hours with. At some point we realized that the girl right behind us was looking for the same type of race, so the three of us passed the time chatting, laughing, hiking, and running when we felt like it.

The race course was beautiful! It hit all the highlights of the magic of Midwest trails. Fields, forests, pine trees, and an AMAZING overlook! We took our time at the overlook for pictures and then headed down to finish the race up.

The course was a lollipop so we got the reward of an 800 descent for the final miles. We were tired and ready to be done and as we saw the finish line and our husbands and friends, I definitely screamed, “SUB FOUR HOURS!!!” with my hands over my head in victory, because who gives a crap? Right? And the spectators seemed to appreciate the humor.

As my husband and I walked back to the car I was downright giddy over a race performance that some people would consider horrifying. I told my husband that I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know when I’ll get better, but spending the day out in the woods with one of my favorite women was such an amazing gift. And I am so freaking happy that I was able to have today and feel like I still have a place at these events.

It was a good day spent with good people. It was the slowest half marathon time I’ve ever had. And it felt like one of the biggest wins EVER.

What's going on?

Why haven't I been racing? Why haven't I been writing? Why has running been so weird lately?

I dunno.

I've volunteered at a few races and I had a blast. But I didn't have the need to run them. Didn't feel the least bit weird about not running them. I've been running. About 30 miles a week, which for me, isn't too far off peak mileage. My long runs haven't been too long. But I've had a few 13+ runs, so what gives? 

I dunno.

I mean my runs sometimes just turn into a walk. Not a power hike, just a walk. And I have to remind myself that it's ok if it needs to be a walk. Because I get that macho voice in my head telling me I'm doing it wrong. There's no wrong. I'm a grownup, I can do what I want to! But if I just want to walk and run a little, am I still running? Am I still a runner? Do I even care anymore?

I've felt disconnected. From racing, from running, and from myself some. I met with a doctor a few weeks ago for some blood work HOPING that there's some "thing" wrong with me. Like, can't all these symptoms add up to SOMETHING? Something other than, well you're almost 40 and you know.... Yes, yes I know. But why does everything feel so "off" and it has for months. 

I did a race last weekend. A ten hour loopy thing. You know, run as much as you want kind of thing. For some reason the lack of mileage rules and casualness was appealing. I went into it cautiously excited but also terrified. Because, if I don't want to run a bunch, have I failed? I was greeted with 75-80+ degree weather and 75-100% humidity. It was awful. I felt sick, I took naps, I walked…. A lot. In the end, I got 19.5 miles officially (because 20 would be ridiculous) in a ten hour race. Granted, I slept for at least 3 hours of the race, but to say this was disappointing would be a massive understatement.

It’s funny, this month I actually had a blurb from a blog post I wrote about being in last place at a race published in Runner’s World. RUNNER’S WORLD! My words! In print! I should be on top of the world. Instead, I am published in Runner’s World, and I’ve never felt like less of a runner since I started running.

A few years ago, a friend of mine did a mile time trial with my running group. I didn’t go to it for many reasons, one of them being that I’m not fast and I didn’t want that to be put on display. She and I were talking about it and she had a lot of the same thoughts going in, but she said everyone in the group was so sweet and encouraging. And it turns out the only person being an asshole to her about her speed and ability….. was her. We are the biggest assholes to ourselves… every time.

Maybe it’s time for me to reassess my running goals for the year. Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about mileage and time and start focusing on not being such an asshole to myself. Maybe it’s time to start working on being grateful for the runs I have, even when they’re more of a walk.

I suppose it’s  just a different type of training.

Carmel marathon ish

Last week I casually mentioned to my husband that I didn't know if it was a good idea for me to be running around solo for hours on end in my current mental state. I've been dealing with lots of stress lately and by dealing with I mean burying it deep down inside so that it can blow up at some point. That's healthy, right?

I had signed up for a full (road) marathon as a training run a few months ago. I'd done the race before and it seemed like a reasonable plan. But last weekend's half marathon with a five mile warm up had left me with a sore hip and back and wondering how this race would play out. 

The day started with an early (even for me) wake up call and a nice predawn drive to the race. I got the car parked, slathered on some sunblock, and hit the potty. For the next half hour before the race I tried to inconspicuously take video of the bizarre warm ups people were doing, but I'm no good at inconspicuous so I went ahead and lined up for the race. We took off and I settled into a blistering turtle pace. Before I hit the first mile I was ready to turn around and quit. But this was gonna be my tenth marathon, so I thought I would give it more than a mile. I knew I was in trouble when I reached for my iPod a half hour into the race. Normally I'm a no music til half way kinda gal, but I was too anxious and hoped that a podcast would settle me down and clear my head. It did not.

Four miles in I was greeted by strangers handing out doughnut holes! I grabbed one and thanked them profusely. This was the highlight of the day and it went downhill from there.

I don't know that I can explain how unsettled my mind was. Running typically settles my mind, but on this day I could not calm down. I couldn't stop thinking about how much longer it was going to be and how hot it was going to get. I tried to remember to be in the moment. Look around, I GET to do this. I'm so fortunate. That worked for a bit when I was on a beautiful path section through fields and trees. But when we got to a more urban setting, my breathing got shallow and high in my chest like I was on the verge of a panic attack. 

 At mile 14 I texted a friend that I knew would say something ridiculous to cheer me up. Yeah, I was texting during a race, I was so not into it I had become that person. She texted me funny encouraging words that carried me another few miles.

But, by the time I had gotten to mile nineteen I actually approached the med tent... Which I've only ever done one other time in the Chicago Marathon from hell (2010). They asked if I was ok and I immediately started getting teary eyed. They asked their standard questions,

Do you need water?

Do you want to sit?

Do you want to lay down?

Do you want some Tylenol? (I might have barked at them about this one. I don't think Tylenol and long races or running are a safe combo, but that's another rant for another day)

I left in tears. My back was killing me and I was miserable. I knew the race course went close to my car before the end and I thought.... WTF maybe I'm done? 

When I got to the 20 mile mat, I knew I was done. How did I know? I was miserable. My back muscles were so tight that trying to run was met with terrible pain, and the idea of walking six more miles was soul crushing. But I also realized I hadn't enjoyed any of it. Not since the doughnut and the little part in the field. In fact, I kinda hated it. I saw little kids cheering and thought, "ugh I'm gonna have to pretend like this is awesome". I saw inspiring people all around me and I was angry at them for their can do attitude and chutzpah. I could barely thank the volunteers because I hated everything. 

This is not who I want to be and this is not what I want running to be for me.

I pulled up google maps on my phone, realized I was 1.5 miles away from my car, took off my bib, and called it a day. People may wonder why I quit at 20 and didn't just go the stupid six miles to finish. Because I was done. Six more miles wouldn't have killed me, but what would it have given me? A medal? A banana? A broken spirit? Hatred for running? 

It's just running, I'm not saving lives out there. And to judge my life as a success or failure based on a race would be the dumbest dumb that ever dumbed. 

So I dropped. And I think it was a good choice for the day.

Quit Saying That

I can’t say that it was definitely the first time I said it, but I remember being at my first “real” trail race and buying some stuff. The woman I was buying it from asked me what I ran that day (the race had a 10k, half marathon, marathon, 50k, and 50 mile). My answer:

I just did the half

I didn’t think much of it at the time. But the more I run, the more I hear people compare themselves to others and the more I hear it. And when I hear it, it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

I’m JUST running a 5k. I’m ONLY doing the half marathon. My long run is JUST 8 miles.

Have we gotten so far from our beginnings as runners that we forget the first time we ran a mile and how AMAZING it felt? The first time I ran a 5k it was before dawn, in my neighborhood, and it took me 45 minutes. I felt like I had just climbed a mountain. In those predawn moments, I might have cried a little because I was amazed that I was even able to do such a thing.

What changed?

I have to think that part of it is due to knowing too much. When I trained for my first marathon, I just knew that was the pinnacle of running and I was the king of everything. But then I heard about ultramarathons (races longer than 26.2 miles) and I was immediately knocked down a peg and in my mind maybe I lessened my own accomplishments a little.

But let’s think about races and running. Typically, there’s always going to be someone out there that can perform a little better than you, that can run a little farther than you, and there will ALWAYS be someone that can make it look a little easier than you. But does that make you less of a runner? Less of a person?

Why aren’t we celebrating what we CAN do?

I volunteered at a race last year that had a 5k, half marathon, and full marathon. I was at the finish line, handing out “stuff”. Each finisher got a hat with their race distance on it as they crossed the finish line (which is totally cool race directors, take note). So, throughout my shift I had lots of folks saying they didn’t get a hat and asking if I could get them one. And when I asked them what distance they ran, I got so many:

I just the 5k, I only did the half

Before I got each of them their hat, I would stop and say something like, “you ran 3 miles that’s amazing! Let me go grab that for you!” or “You ran a 13 miles? You’ve done plenty of work today, let me go grab that”. It was fantastic to see their faces soften with the recognition that even though they tried to belittle their accomplishment, a stranger could see what they had done and celebrate it.

So what’s the moral here? Celebrate what you’re able to do, duh. Sure, most of us have room for improvement, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be proud of what we did today and make it fuel for tomorrow.

And, if you hang out with me and use the words only or just to describe your mileage or your race distance, I will most likely punch you (lightly) in the arm and I expect you to do the same to me (but be warned, if you punch me hard, I will punch you back..... harder). Running isn’t easy and we should really be giving ourselves more credit when we do it. ANY of it.