A forced break from running, a reassessment of how I run,
and a reassessment of what I want from running in the past year have been
terribly frustrating. On a bad day, it’s heartbreaking to look at all the
running I used to do and the way I could do it whenever I felt like it. On good
days, I’m so stinking grateful for any running I get to do even if 95% of my
running is walking. Because in my mind, if I ran three steps the whole da&*
thing is a run. And if 100% of it was walking? Who gives a crap? My chances of
being an elite athlete were always zero. Now it’s subzero. Does that make me
sad? Nah, I am who I am and I’ve punished my body in the name of fitness
enough. So now I’m just trying to respect it and learn its boundaries.
So there’s the stuff that I miss and the things that make me
sad, but there’s some good stuff too. Here’s something I don’t miss.
The Gottas
I don’t miss saying things like:
I gotta get X number of miles in
I gotta get a stupid run in
I gotta run for 489 hours on Saturday
I gotta figure out how to fit in a long run if god forbid I
want to do ANYTHING other than run on a Saturday.
I understand that at some point of training I always used to
get tired of training. I feel like that’s normal…. Or at least not unnormal.
But even when I wasn’t training for something (which really wasn’t often, over
race much?) I still felt like the I Gottas caught me a lot.
So, what’s it like now? Well, I haven’t trained for a race
in over a year now. So, that takes quite a bit of pressure off.
I also REALLY try to ACTUALLY listen to my body. Runners
claim to listen to our bodies all the time, but frankly we are terrible body
listeners. Because seriously, a big part of running and especially ultra
running is learning to ignore the ow and push through. What I’m currently trying
to do is learn what is actual ow and what is safe to run through. UGH…. It’s
exhausting. I mean, conversations in my head can go on forEVER….
Am I just tired or am I thyroid tired?
Is that muscle soreness normal or is it a problem?
Should I just run a mile and see how it feels?
But the first mile always sucks, should I run two and see
how it feels?
But if I’m going to run two, why don’t I just suck it up and
run three?
But is three too far?
But if three feels good should I push to four?
Maybe I should just walk?
But am I really going to get out of bed at 5am to go
walking?
Ok, but if I don’t run or walk, will I just lay here in bed
wide awake and be pissed about it?
Oh crap, I’ve spent like 15 minutes trying to figure this
out. I mean, that could be my first mile or so….
And on and on and on…..
It ain’t pretty, but it IS nice to have the option to lay in
bed and say screw it to the whole project.
But now I’m considering trying to do SOMETHING in the Fall.
I’m feeling better (am I really feeling better or do I just think I’m feeling
better… you get the idea, nuthin’s easy). So, I’m wondering how “training”
works when you are trying not to stress yourself out about training? Can that
even work?
I guess I’ll soon find out. I mean kind of soon…. Should I
start soon? Should I wait til the last minute and try to cram for the test? Is
this all a terrible idea?
Oh lord…. This is gonna be interesting.
