NEW YEAR! what to do.... what to do....

It’s the time of year where people start resolving..

 I’m gonna workout more

I’m gonna eat better

I’m gonna clean the toilet more than once a quarter…

You know, the usual. Me? Well, I had a complete meltdown at my gym the other day because my personal trainer asked me to set a goal.

Yep. Hysterical woman, table of one please?

We talked it through and I’ve thought about it a lot in the days since. And I guess there are a few reasons why such a reasonable and appropriate question set me off.

   1. I set goals last year. And they were all thrown out the window when my thyroid went to hell. I lost oodles (or all) of the progress I had made in the gym and running. It was like being punched in the gut and then looking up and watching all of your goals and plans flutter away.

   2. I’m a runner. We love goals. We have goal races, goal times, calorie intake goals, distance goals, pace goals, cute outfit goals… we LOVE goals. However, in my current recovery state I can’t really set those. When I met with my doc I was given (and agreed with) a hard NO on spring races. That news was expected, but still a tough pill to swallow. But moving forward from that the plans are so wishy washy. Maybe this, maybe that, adjust daily, blah blah blah. Words like those are like nails on a chalkboard for someone (like me) who loves schedules and game plans.

So, this paints kind of a bleak picture, sure. And I had no idea a question like that would set me off. But what I did realize is that I have been working on goals, they’re just different than any goals I've ever set since I began running and weightlifting.

In my current state it's MOST important for me to focus on what’s working NOW. When I go to the gym it’s a victory when anything goes well. When I go for a run, it’s a victory if it felt good during and after. My main and most important goal right now is trying to listen and figure out what is working today, what worked yesterday, what works in the next five minutes. If I look too far ahead, I tend to get panicked or sad about what I can, can’t, might, or might not be able to do.

I guess it turns out I do have goals. They’re just different goals than I’ve ever had. Maybe they are a bit less measurable, but for right now they are what I've got. And please don't ask me about them..... at least not anytime soon.

A Much Needed Run Without a Ton of Running...

So, I’m in this place right now where I’m not really training for anything. I’m more trying to train myself to understand my body. I’m feeling better enough that my brain wants me to DO EVERYTHING! But my body, doctor, and logical brain know that now is not the time to do all the things, even though I may want to.

I spent a lot of the fall volunteering at races I couldn’t run and I loved it. It was such a healing thing to be involved with the running and racing community even if I couldn’t partake in the running and racing so much. But frankly, I’m kind of tired of everyone else’s running. I’m ready to do some of my running.

And this weekend I did that.

I have been thinking a lot about ten miles. Ten miles…. It’s just a thing that I miss. And I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s just getting over that hill of single digits to double. But I’ve always loved a good ten miler. And last weekend, I wanted a ten miler.

With my health right now, there’s a lot of trial and error. If I don’t sleep well (thanks for the 3am wake up adrenal glands) or feel “off”, I really need to pay attention to it and change my plans accordingly. This means that every run, walk, or trip the gym is a grand experiment. I often think that all my years of marathon and ultra training and learning to “push through” have really screwed me over in this department. Am I blowing something off? Am I being paranoid? I’m trying to figure it out, but it ain’t easy.

Back to this weekend…

Our local weather had a “frozen fog” warning which was bizarre, but I figured I head out in the morning and just take my time on the drive. I had planned to do a standard route I do on the trails where you can easily run 7-10 miles depending on adding or dropping trails, but the more I thought about it, the more my mind changed.

Because to be honest I was a nervous wreck about this run and I could just see myself bailing out of the ten miles due to fear. So, at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to do a much more challenging route that contained less opportunity to bail. And the hills + plus me trying to keep my heartrate in the 140 range would take the pressure off time expectations.

But I still had time expectations…

When I got going I started mathing….

- if I go this fast it’ll take me this long

-if I go this slow it’ll take me this long

-if I ignore my heartrate and go a little faster I could get it done in this long

Needless to say the first few miles were not fun. Here I was trying a distance that I haven’t run in about 5 months and I’m stressing out about time.

I’ve been meditating a lot and just started working on a self-esteem meditation that teaches you to “excuse” the negative or distracting thoughts that pop up. So I tried it.

And it was good.

Before I knew it I was noticing how amazing the trails looked with a frosty fog on them. All of the spider webs were covered in frost and it looked like tiny tree garlands on  every twig. I was smiling the biggest dopiest smile and loving every minute of it. I let go of time stresses. I had all freaking day, what’s the rush? I walked and smiled and took pictures and smiled.

My average pace for the “run” was almost 20 minute miles. I swear I ran parts of it, but when my heart rate told me that this route was entirely uphill (not really just felt that way at times) and I would be walking over half of it, I said, fine by me. And it was super awesome.

A morning for me spent in the woods “excusing” my self-trash-talking mind was just what the doctor ordered for that day. Probably not for everyday right now. But for that day, it was perfect.

GOODBYE THIRTIES!

Goals for 2015:

Do a chin-up

Do a pistol squat

Run a 50 miler

Actual Occurrences in 2015:

Hypothyroid

Adrenal exhaustion

Lost most of my progress in weight lifting

Gained 10 pounds

Did not start 3 races I was registered for (including 50 miler)

Oh sure this looks awful. Miserable. I think it’s really obvious that my 39^th year did not go as planned. I had planned to waltz into 40 with a couple more ultras under my belt and arms that show you EXACTLY where the gun show is. What do they say about the best laid plans?

I spent a lot of time this year crying because my body was failing me, crying because my body failing me was turning my run of the mill clinical depression into AN OCEAN OF DEPRESSION LIKE I’VE NEVER SEEN, crying because that awful doctor kept saying there was nothing wrong with me when I KNEW there was, crying because I have been able to push-ups for years and then one day I walked into my gym and I just couldn’t, and crying because of ridiculous things like laundry needing to be folded. For months I felt like I wasn’t me and I couldn’t even find who me was anymore. And try explaining that to someone. It made no sense to me, so there was no way I could make it make sense to someone else.

Eventually I found a doctor that listened to me and believed me. He gave me rules that I hated, but listened to like rules about not running, how much to run when I start again, no weightlifting (for a while), dietary restrictions. But I listened. I mean, I moaned and groaned, but I listened because I wanted to get better.

And some really good stuff has come out of it!

- I started saying no.

My doc and I think that a lot of these problems started because of my poor stress management. Like awful. It’s not that my life is terribly stressful; it’s that what stress I have, I’m terrible at managing. Add into that the stresses of a 7 day a week exerciser (which can help stress management, I know that, but sometimes it can work against you/me), my body revolted. I found that when people ask me to be in charge of things, I get super stressed. In fact, just saying no stresses me out, but I realized that I have to set better boundaries about what I can give. I had some very dear friends remind me over and over again that what I give is enough. And I’m getting better at believing it.

 - I started meditating.

Meditating always seemed like one of those things that “would be good for me” but I was scared of and assumed I would be terrible at. The inside of my brain is often in spastic teenager mode and it seemed impossible to change that. BUT, I’ve read a few books, tried a few apps, and I’m getting to a point where ten minutes every day seems doable and helpful. It’s no cure all, but it seems to be helping to settle the teenage spaz a bit.

- I am trying to become and ACTUAL body listener.

                How many times as a runner have I said:

                Oh sure the training has been tough, but I’m really listening to my body.

I’ve said it more times than I can count. And it turns out I was a dirty dirty dirty liar. It’s tricky because part of distance running is pushing yourself. You wake up tired but you run anyway because you’re supposed to (the training schedule says so!)and because that way you know you can do it on race day. That’s legit! Pushing myself is why I LOVE distance running! But my medical problems this year have shown me that maybe my macho pushing myself has gone a bit too far. And maybe I need to listen a little closer. I’m working on it.

- Not running a race you want to run sucks, but there’s a lot of races AND THEY HAVE THEM EVERY   YEAR!

I have no issues with wearing race shirts of races I didn’t run (I know some people do, and will find this appalling). This year’s collection can be seen here:

To say it was a disappointing racing year is an understatement, it was heartbreaking. But I had an AMAZING year volunteering which made a huge difference. My recovering snail pace doesn’t lend itself to much group running (and my sensitive psyche couldn’t handle the ol go to a group run to get dropped by everyone and then get done only to find they are all gone) but volunteering gave me back a piece of the action! I got to help people and get misty eyed with them and celebrate with them. And I made tons of friends and had great experiences! This was a good call on my part because the volunteering kept my fire burning even though my body was trying to put it out.

So what’s next?

40!!!!

A new age bracket and hopefully a smarter, less stressed, healthier, body listenier, happier me. A meeting with my doc about a potential game plan for the coming year and hopefully lots of other good stuffs!

Sometimes things suck. Thankfully, I am surrounded by amazing people that have stuck with me while I’m a recovering hot mess. Here’s to another year.  

I'm Sorry... But

I used to tell my husband that when he said, “I’m sorry, but…..” that he wasn’t really sorry.

 I volunteered at a race this weekend and all day I kept thinking…

OMG this is so fun, but……

It was fun. It was super satisfying and I got to spend the day with tons of my favorite running friends! We stood in the pouring rain handing out water and Gatorade, screaming our lungs out, dancing, laughing, and commiserating. And multiple times I said that I was so happy I didn’t have to run in this weather.

The more I do it the more I realize that volunteering should be mandatory for runners that do races. It helps to see the other side of a race. To feel the exhaustion of tired legs and sore throats and not have run a step. As a volunteer you get to celebrate every runner’s race, which is overwhelmingly powerful. I’ve hugged crying runners,  I’ve taken pictures of runners, I’ve helped untie shoes, given an arm for stability, held up a towel for a little privacy during a clothing change, and I think that all of these things make me a better runner and to be slightly dramatic, maybe a better person? Giving your whole day (or sometimes multiple days) to someone else’s success makes you look at thing a little differently.

And I felt all those things and then some and it was amazing and powerful and FUN……

BUT

I couldn’t help but wonder, when will I be able to do this again? WILL I be able to do this again?

I finally got a diagnosis for what had been making me feel like I had no control over me for the first half of the year about four months ago. Since my doctor figured out what was going on and we came up with a plan, I’ve felt LOADS better. Which is fantastic, right? YES!

BUT

I’m running a little at a 135 heart rate. Do you know what that equates to? Walking with a couple feet of running mixed in. I can go above a 135 heart rate if I walk up a hill. It’s slow going, for sure, but most days I don’t hurt and my body reacts well to it, but…. It’s infuriating. I’m a slow runner without heart rate rules, now I get to add about a minute plus to each mile. So, I can run, but not the way I want to. I can run, but I can’t run the distance I want to. I can run, but I can’t even think about a race.

Sure, I could do a 5k, but I don’t like them (they are so HARD). What I WANT to run is distances of marathon and longer and I have no idea when that will be a safe thing for me to do, or even worse, IF it will be a safe thing for me to do. Even now, with my current crawling pace, I have days where something is off and some symptoms flare up and I have to take a few days off of everything. And that’s low mileage and low heart rate.

I’m grateful for the runs I have, I truly am, because in the end, I love to run. I like races too, but if I had to give up running and only run on race day or give up races, I would totally choose to give up races because I just love to run.

But....I miss races more than I realized. I miss that feeling of exhaustion after a race. I miss planning for Spring racing season in October because my Fall racing season is almost over. I miss taper dreams and wondering what I will wear on race day. I miss looking at horrible race pictures. I miss seeing a finisher medal that I threw on the kitchen island from a race I did a few weeks ago.  

I’m also grateful that I get to share in other people’s victory. I’m grateful that I might be able to help them in some small way. And I grateful that I am still able to run.

So maybe it’s just two different thoughts on the same topic.

I had such an incredibly, amazing, super fun time volunteering this weekend!

I miss doing races and knowing that my body can handle doing races. And I'm terrified and sad that i may not be able to do them in the future.

It's not JUST about running..... Thank god.

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from someone asking to speak with me for an article… for the CHICAGO TRIBUNE! Once my brain got over the initial shock and I began to process this idea, I of course emailed back and said SURE!

Then I became paralyzed with fear

Then I started practicing what I would say (I had no idea what I would say)

Then I started to get sick with nerves

Then I took a deep breath and said, “meh, I’ll just give it a shot and try not to make a total ass of myself”

When I finally got on the phone with her, she immediately freaked me out more when it became obvious that the article wasn’t necessarily about running. It was more about failing…. Gracefully. She said that she read the Runner’s World article I was in and really liked my attitude.  http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/dead-freakin-last-and-proud-of-it

Oh crap. I can talk about running until my head falls off, but nonrunning stuff? Uh oh. It turned out she was delightful to talk to and it wasn’t worthy of my millions of panic attacks. And it helped me remember that it’s not all about running all the time.

Running is something I LOVE! It’s my meditation, a struggle to overcome, a routine, it’s my friend, my enemy, and it’s brought some absolutely wonderful people into my life. But it’s not always about running. Working through my current health issues has made it clear as a bell that there’s more to me and my life than running. Thank god.

I think there is a fear in every obsessive compulsive runner’s mind of, “what would happen if I couldn’t run?” I’ve entertained the topic briefly; however, recently I had to look that topic directly in the face. And it’s been good and bad.  Good because I’ve done projects I never had time to do! We finally put flooring in that room that we ripped up the carpet in 4-5 years ago! I sorted through my clothing and books! I started working on meditation to deal with my horrible stress management skills. I found out I LOVE walking. And I’ve found that I can be completely satisfied with a 4 mile run even if it is at a 15 minute mile pace. I think I got so blinded by ultras and MORE MILES ALL THE TIME that I forgot how lovely a 4 mile run can feel. It’s been bad because I hate not knowing when I’ll be better. I can’t stand the fact that I’m not doing a fall race because Fall races are straight up magic. I feel completely disconnected from the running community that I love so much. Because, well I can’t really run much.

I've been forced to find out what I do when I’m not running all the time. Frankly, it turns out I sit on the couch a LOT. I’m working on that. Running has taught me a million life lessons, but I’m so thankful to realize that I don’t have to be running 30+ miles a week to appreciate them. This article in the Tribune helped remind me that there is more to me than running and it’s not ALL about running all the time. I guess this opportunity came at just the right time.

Read it here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0901-losing-gracefully-20150825-story.html

It's always something....

For three weeks I’ve done nothing but walking. My doctor had begrudgingly given me permission to go to an eight hour race I had signed up for as long as I was smart about it. I realized that was not a possibility (you know, being smart) and even decided not to go to THAT! He was thrilled by my grown up decision. And as the mandatory three weeks of only walking came to a close and I started to get nervous.

Is three weeks enough?

How do I know if it isn’t working?

How do I try to be a sensible runner? (turns out that people that run ultras don’t tend to have a good gauge on sensible)

Will I remember how to run?

I came up with a game plan or at least something that resembled a game plan. A few years ago I started running by the Maffetone rules. Don’t know about it? Check out this link:

http://philmaffetone.com/180-formula/

It’s what I used while training for my first 50k. It was one of the most excruciating (you will NEVER run up a hill) things I’ve been through. But, I felt GOOD after my runs, I saw marked improvement, and I ran with more comfort and confidence. That was a couple of years ago. I went back and took the test again to figure my Maffetone heartrate. With my new age and shiny new injury history, I was horrified at my low low low low low did I mention low target heartrate. Forget hills, will I be able to run at all on my runs while trying to keep my heartrate THIS low?

Reality check… I have to be SMART when I start running again. If a heartrate alarm (that I actually listen to) keeps me in check, then I need to do it! ARGH! LOGIC! I really don’t want to screw up the progress I’ve made because my dumb brain wants to go back to the dumb habits of ignoring my body’s signs (or red alerts as the case was). So, low heartrate it is!

And today, with my heartrate alarm set, I set out with my pup for three miles expecting to do a little running and a lot of walking. And the weirdest thing happened….

The running that I did was super fun and duh, of course I didn’t forget how to run. What kind of dork has that thought? Oops. But the weird thing is…

I immediately started to mourn the loss of my morning walks.

 

What? Who would have expected that? Tell a runner not to run and they will make up a thousand reasons why it’s ok that they run. And typically they will ignore doctor’s orders and run anyway. I did when my doc said no running for 3 weeks. But, when I committed to walking, I realized, I really like it! I’ve been walking with one of my dogs in the wee hours of the morning. And I’ve been stargazing and sunrise walking and really enjoying the stillness of the predawn hours. When I ran today it was so different! I couldn’t just crane my neck back to look at the stars and all of the sudden I remembered I need to be wearing a headlamp if I’m moving faster and everything seemed so different!

Where does that leave me? Well, I’d say that I suppose I should try to find a way to enjoy both things (I mean aside from the fact that I’ll still be walking a TON during my runs).

Did the run go ok? I think so, but I’ll have to try to pay attention to how I feel in the next few days to get a real handle on it. Baby steps….. Slow baby steps…. At a low heartrate.

Want Answers? Be careful what you wish for....

Has it really been that long?

I started running in 2007 and once I started, I never stopped. I think that the longest I took off from running was after my first marathon when my coach FORCED me to take two weeks off to recover.

And here we are….

I finally went to a doctor that listened to me and I finally got some answers. Turns out all the symptoms I have been dealing with are a thing (validation!). I’m hypothyroid, anemic, and I’m low on LOADS of nutrients. So we’re working on putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. And in the meantime I was given a few rules (he would probably want me to call them guidelines)

1.       No weightlifting for an as yet to be determined amount of time.

2.       No gluten 

3.       Only one cup of high quality coffee a day (ugh, I really love coffee).

4.       No running for three weeks.

What? No what for three weeks? But but but but…. But he’s right. Give my body a bit of time to actually heal and let the stuff we are doing work instead of bullying through it some more.

The next question, of course, was… can I walk? He said yes. And then the next question was…. But like how LONG can I walk because I’m a person that runs for ten hours at a time for fun. Of course, he laughed, shook his head, and said…. An hour.

Welp, there you go. I was entering unknown territory. Because what the F do I do when I don’t run all the time? And then I had a friend put it into perspective

“OH this is great because you can take some time off without feeling guilty. You won’t have to worry about stupid crap like… oh I should be running. Or oh the schedule says I have to do this so I better get out there even though I feel like crap and it’s 110 degrees with the heat index”.

Is it that attitude that got me into this mess? I don’t know. But I’m making it a goal to make the best of this vacation from running. Last weekend, instead of a long run, I went for a walk with a friend and her four month old baby! My husband and I ordered the flooring for that room we ripped the carpet out of at least three years ago. My kitchen counter is clean like more than once every two weeks! I’m reading a book! And I don’t feel guilty when I’m tired at the end of the day and all I want to do is lay on the couch with my dogs. I just do it.

Of course I’m already plotting my comeback. But my comeback involves things like listening to what my body is actually saying. I guess I’ll see how this all plays out, but for right now, Persistent Runner has become Persistent Rester/Walker/Relaxer.